My name is Hannah Brown and I am a twenty three years old. I live in Perth, Western Australia. My passion is to write, my calling is to embrace and share my I AM. This is my ‘George Experience’.
The first thing I remember about George is his dominance, his grandness, and his sovereignty. This was well over a year ago (sometime in 2011) when I visited Petra’s house with my mum, and while I was quite content to stay in the house, they wanted to go out to the top paddock to see the horses. I did not understand this desire of theirs, as I did not share it.
I accompanied them anyway, hanging back, only interested in the little shetland, Rosie, for I thought she was smaller and therefore less scary than George, the big horse.
The next time I saw George was at the end of February, 2012. It was the day of his accident, and I had to drive the forty-odd minutes to Petra’s house by myself, which caused me anxiety for I did not like the thought of driving so far in case I should start to feel unwell or in case I should get stuck in traffic. The latter happened, I was stuck in a gridlock for about fifteen minutes, doing some deep breathing to avoid feeling panicked.
Once there, several people were gathered around the stables where George was. He paced a little, did some abrupt movements which I was not familiar with, and though I was standing behind the stable fencing, I did not like to be so close to him when he moved like that. I was convinced that even though I was out of reach, he could still ‘chase’ me if he wanted to, or if he didn’t like me, or if I did something ‘wrong’. I was told by Petra’s daughter that George was in no state to test me, or to even approach me, but my insecurities told me otherwise.
Spiders, Spiders, Spiders
The following week my mum was departing to Europe for a six weeks, and I was invited by Petra to stay with her during that time, so I wouldn’t have to be by myself all that time. This was a standing arrangement, and I worried after George’s accident that I might no longer be invited, or if I was still invited I worried how his accident would affect Petra, and therefore my stay with her.
Initially, I lasted only five nights before returning to my own apartment for a ‘rest’. I felt terribly uncomfortable in my new environment, because it brought out many fears within me: mainly, my fear of spiders. In those first few days I saw at least three, big ‘Australian-sized’ spiders, and I heard Petra say she’d seen another, even bigger one appear out of nowhere when she was in the shower!
I could not relax. I felt very confined within myself, as well as by the outside environment. I did not feel at peace, I did not feel in control. During these days I helped out a little with George, but I didn’t feel confident enough to express to Petra and others the things that I felt he was sharing with me; for example, that he hated having his leg bandaged.
My voice was quiet, I didn’t think she’d listen to me, for I was no expert on horses, and George and I had really just met. So, instead of speaking, I breathed with him. When Petra and others were washing his wound and bandaging it up, I held his reins, stood near his head and breathed. This already was an improvement for me, because before now I had never stood so close to him. I suppose I mainly helped out because it was a way of thanking Petra for having me, so it was a bit of a must-do in my mind, and yet other parts of me were very at ease with George; I think already our friendship had begun to blossom.
Finding My Voice
But my longing for a little relaxation away from spiders won out, and after those first five nights, I returned to my apartment for two nights. A friend who was visiting Perth came over, and we decided we go back to Petra’s together. This time I lasted only three nights! Spiders were not the issue this time around, the humans were. Because the friend that I’d brought with me was more ‘knowledgeable’ about horses than I was, my role in assisting Petra with George was given over to her.
Perhaps again because I felt unworthy of sharing my piece, and because I thought it made more sense to allow the ‘better’ horse people deal with him. So, in those few days I didn’t have much to do with George, and in a way I missed him. I felt very lonely and contained to the house. No one made me stay in there, of course, and yet I felt like they were, because I was in the process of finding something within myself that was very, very important: my voice! Above, when I say that humans were the issue, I mean that I felt a lot like I was being talked at, rather than conversed with. I was being told ‘your energy is being intrusive to my space’ or ‘you have a lot of anger inside of you’…being told things about myself from their perspectives that I took as being my truth. Later on, this would anger me and amuse me, but at the time I felt very small. Unable to stand up for myself and speak my truth. That changed, because, I FOUND MY VOICE!
On the fourth day I left, unable to take another evening of conversation where I felt ganged up upon “I’m right, your wrong” style. Whether this really happened I’m not sure, and it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I perceived it that way at the time and in doing so I was pushed, aggravated, and prodded until I said within myself: enough is enough! That was quite magical for me! To step into my voice, to say, “No, you don’t get to tell me what my energies are doing, or what I have inside of me. I get to decide!” What a powerful transformation to take place! Perhaps initially it was born out of annoyance and being pissed-off, but relatively quickly that strong-voice turned into something sovereign. Not telling people to bugger off because I was angry, but energetically demanding that they step out of my space, because it is my space and I am here to claim my own I AM and make choices for myself, instead of making choices based on others opinions of me. That was HUGE!
The BIG Shift
I spent three whole weeks by myself in the apartment. I went through a number of physical experiences, like hurting my back, having sore sinuses and a very hot face.
I did a whole lot of worrying about these things and many other things too. I felt very anxious a lot of the time, feeling very contained in the space I was in (but perhaps more so contained in my very fear-driven mental state) and at some points I felt too afraid to leave the apartment to even get some simple food supplies.
Sure, there where no big spiders around, or people telling me what to do, but I was still not free. I had a few days of simply joy, one in particular consisted of lying on the sofa (so my back was flat) listening to some of my favourite music, with the tennis playing on the TV muted and the door open with a beautiful, fresh breeze blowing in. Simple, yet profoundly better than all the other days combined!
Towards the end of the three weeks I got bored of the fear-games. I was sick of being alone, so I left the apartment, drove a distance to see my friend (the one who was visiting Perth) and things between us were quite different. She and Petra had helped assist my energy shift and now the way they spoke to me (not at me) was different, because, although I was still playing around in fear and not stepping into my I AM, I did have my new, strong voice.
Then something happened, mid conversation, which shifted me hugely. I’m not sure what it was, or how to effectively describe it, but here goes: it was like the coming together of several things I’d been dabbling in — my big voice, the simplicity, and allowing the I AM to be present, and quick as a snap of the fingers, I was changed. I had been about to call the doctor and make an appointment because of my sinus situation and suddenly I had tonnes of energy, my headache was gone, and I didn’t give a stuff about my sinuses, for they would sort themselves out. I went for a looooong drive, sitting for a time in rush hour traffic, and though I felt the old familiar anxieties still there, waiting in the background, I did not choose them.
The next morning I was bursting to get back to Petra’s! We’d spoken several times during the three weeks, for quite a long chat each time. This meant we could connect without get in each others way, for we were both going through big changes. We could support each other and yet also give one another space. But now, I think we we’re both feeling better in ourselves, and I was soooo looking forward to returning to the ‘farm’.
Back To The Farm
I so enjoyed the drive, listening to my favourite music (like on that simple day) and remarking to myself how beautiful the colours of nature were. I also enjoyed the town near her house, which was charming and characterful and somehow less energetically threatening than I imagined the big city to be. I felt a new sense of peace and confidence within me, and I took that everywhere I went. I felt, for the first time in a long time, safe with myself.
I spent the next two weeks at Petra’s house and we had a lovely time together. I saw not a single spider the whole time. I could walk straight out into the garden to see George, and it was him who I wanted to see, as opposed to the year before when I favoured Rosie because of her small size, now George was definitely my favourite.
I was so much more open to receive from him what he had to share, the main thing being getting grounded. When I stood with him I envisioned this wooosh of energy shooting down my legs and feet and into the ground. “Plant your feet,” is what he’d say. “Get grounded, get in your body, get present; and in doing so, commit to this life experience. Ground the I AM, the voice, the simplicity — ground them, here and now.”