Hello Anna Marciniak
It is very important to me that I voice my experience from yesterday. It is important to me because I normally would grin & bear the situation in order not to upset anything. So here is my experience:
I have done the exercises and I sent you a message through FB messenger as agreed and was waiting for your response which you just the day before said you would respond within 10 to 20 minutes and that you would like to touch base with me after my first day with the new exercise.
I have chosen the BreakingFree program with you as it felt important to me to have a one on one exchange rather than a normal class situation. It felt important that I allow myself to receive the personal attention and dedication, somebody walking a path with me.
So when I did not get a response from you by the time I went to bed, I felt very disappointed, hurt and abandoned. I dropped into bed engulfed into a sadness that I haven’t allowed myself to feel for a long time. I even forgot to do the BodyMarc exercises. Everything was screaming in me to run away.
I had many dreams throughout the night and woke up in the morning not really wanting to step into the day. When I finally rose from my bed to feed the horses, I realised that I again have not done the morning BodyMarc exercises.
Emotions were running through me, I felt unable to do anything useful, so I sat down to breathe (as I often do particularly when things are getting challenging) and I had a visceral experience of my very early childhood, being born, being left in an orphanage, being given to prospective new parents, brought back to the orphanage after a couple of month and then months later being handed to my adoptive parents. It felt that I learned in that early stage that voicing what I needed was the cause of abandonment. Becoming stoic was necessary to survive, to be accepted, to receive some care and support as a baby. Adapting and becoming what others wanted me to be was a necessity in order to survive.
And here I am now, practising speaking, still having a feeling of being choked in my throat, afraid of speaking up / out for myself, afraid of loosing everything (not that I have much to loose) and being pushed away again and again.
This of course is only happening if something is important and dear to me such as this program with you. I no longer want to put on a face or keep things at arms length, there for me to see but unreachable and whenever I reach out for it, it disappears.
I want to allow myself to speak to what my needs and desires are even if it means that everybody disappears around me. I would like to allow my sensitivity, fragility and vulnerability to be seen, heard and felt.
So, Anna Marciniak, even though it is still at bit challenging at the moment I want to thank you.
🦋 Petra 🌹❣️Anna Marciniak Also, we agree for many things here and we have to understand that both parties will always trust that they cooperate the best possible way they can. Sometimes things happen. Sometimes things pop up on the way. Sometimes I won’t be able to answer and sometimes you won’t be able to commit to the class without breaks because you will be ill or traveling. It is important for me to know that we allow one another this flexibility and margin, that is not a sign of disrespect but is an expression of life that may and will be surprising us all the time 🙂 because we truly live only when we see that we meet new situations every single day ♥️♥️♥️ and thanks to them we can grow, realize our boundaries of our awareness and release them with a smile ☺️☺️☺️😍 Petra Webstein Hello Anna Marciniak thank you for your words and yes, as you can see I have not been running away but stayed in the team with you. 👭 However I am proud of myself for expressing myself. This was in no way meant to say that I am fighting you in any way, this was expressed on this journal for you more to honour you. I hope you understand this.💫I will find it easier to accept the expressions of life after this release and I hope to be able to release them with a smile 😊 very soon too. For now I am just very tired and feel I need a rest 🌴 Anna Marciniak Take your rest Petra Webstein, do or don’t do your BodyMarc- whatever you wish, you can also do it later or just clench one foot and relax the other while you work or do you studies. And of course now hug yourself, as I would hug you, because you are doing great and you are a star ✨⭐️